At times, children are labeled as disrespectful, ugly, or a host of other names when they misbehave or act up. But here is what we all need to understand: All behavior makes sense when you get to know the context behind it.
A child does not know how to express their feelings coming out of the womb. They know how to cry and protest to have their needs met. For example, a baby cries when they are hungry, tired, or in need of a diaper change. As a toddler, children do not yet have the words for their feelings. And as they get older, they may have the words for their feelings but do not know how to express them in a clear way.
Why is it Important?
It is a parent’s responsibility to help attune to or tune into their child’s emotions. If we can dial into our children’s experience and hear their frustration, fear, anger, or joy, that is half the battle. It is then our job to help make sense of these emotions and why they are having such big feelings. A key to this is validation. When we validate a child’s emotions, we help to regulate or calm their neurosystem. This is what we call coregulation–when one person helps another to regulate their feelings. We all need this, even as adults. We need our friends to validate why we feel hurt or our partner to understand and empathize if they have upset us. Even adult children still need for their parents to understand how they may have unintentionally hurt them during their childhood or even adulthood.
When we validate our child’s feelings, you can see and feel that it brings a sense of calm. When we do not coregulate and instead tell them to stop crying, we essentially invalidate their emotional experience. Some potential byproducts of invalidation include:
A child may learn that their parents are not emotionally available.
They may learn to dismiss their own emotional experience, which can lead to anxiety and depression. Children internalize the responses of their caregivers to their emotions. So, if a parent is dismissive or shaming of a child’s emotions, the child may become an adult who is dismissive and shaming of her emotions.
They may try to please their parents so they can be ok. After all, if mom or dad is upset with them and can’t recognize the child’s feelings as valid, it is easier to please or become invisible.
They act out as a way to show their frustration and need for support.
If you have invalidated your child’s emotions, it’s not too late. Every parent has made this mistake and no one is perfect at validating 100% of the time. The best thing you can do is repair with your child and make a commitment to change: “Mommy has told you before to stop crying when you’re sad. That was wrong of me. I want to do a better job of understanding your feelings from now on.”
How to do it?
As parents, we also have our own feelings and can get dysregulated. This is often why parents have difficulty coregulating their own children. Most likely, they weren’t attuned to as children as well. So if seeing your child upset ends up causing you distress, take a deep breath and remind yourself: “I am the adult and I can handle this.” Then practice the following:
What do you notice?
“I see that you are having big feelings right now” or “I see that you are really angry.”
Deescalate by helping your child take deep breaths. “I really want to understand why you are upset, can we take some deep breaths together first before we talk about it?”
Diaphragmatic breathing is when we take slow, deep inhales through our nose for a count of four and exhale through our mouth for a count of seven. Repeat this for about a minute until a sense of calm is restored.
Sometimes children may need help deescalating by engaging their body in a physical activity: “I think this is a good time to go tackle the play mats to help you calm your body before we talk about this. Race you there?” or “Let’s help your body feel safe again before we talk about this. Let’s toss this ball back and forth together.”
Be curious about their emotional experience.
“What happened? What is upsetting you?”
Pay attention to their words. Do not dismiss or correct their narrative but reflect and mirror what they say.
For example, if they were upset that Billy took their toy, you might conjecture their emotions by saying: “It seems like it made you sad that Billy took your toy.” The child might nod their head and cry. (This is attunement.)
Validate their feelings.
“It makes sense that you would be sad when your toy is taken. I would be sad too. Let’s get another toy and play together.”
Assess if child is calming down.
You may need to continue validating their feelings a little more and give them a hug until they return to a state of calm.
See if this is a teachable moment and share what the child can learn from it.
“It is important to share our toys but we don’t take them from someone when they are playing with it. That made you sad when Billy took it from you. Let’s talk to Billy about how we can take turns.”
Some children may respond better to instruction if you bring it up again an hour or so later (or even the next day).“I’ve been thinking about what happened with you and Billy earlier. Sharing can be really tricky, but I know you’re good at solving tricky problems. How could you solve this problem next time instead of grabbing the toy from him?”
Is there another perspective to share? We only offer another perspective after a child feels attuned to and validated. If we do it before, the result will be invalidation.
For example, if they left the toy and Billy took it then, you might clarify after validation and calm: “I know you were upset that Billy played with the toy, but you also had left it and were playing with another toy. It’s important to share toys. If you would like a turn again, let’s ask Billy if we can play with it when he is done.”
While these examples may be applicable to a younger child, this process still works for any child or adult.
What a Child Can Do to Understand Their Feelings
Here are some steps you can use to help your child start identifying their feelings using the emotion wheel provided.
Let’s take some deep breaths.
Your feelings matter. They are a signal telling you to pay attention to them.
What face or emotion fits with what you are feeling?
Why are you feeling this way? What happened to make you feel this way?
Validate your feelings by saying, “This makes sense why I feel angry or sad.”
What steps do you want to take next? Is there relationship repair needed? Or do you feel better already?
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